The new year

It's January the 1st. I've woken up stronger, wiser and sneakier. I will never be the same again, life will never be the same again. I'm looking forward to what this year will bring and what I am now capable of doing.

What I've learned from the last year:
That there are bad people, that no matter how good your intentions are, there are those that will use you. But there are incredible people, who you would unlikely know that when the time came will stand by you and be real with you. That those that have proven they care, are those that deserve your friendship and your undivided unattention. That to now be careful of those that are around you, that they may not be so honest. To not trust immediately, but to allow them to prove themselves before giving them a part of you.

That no matter how bad you fuck up. Your family will be there. To pick you up and whack you by the head if you need some strenghtening up to do. You may consider some friends as family, but always put blood first, because at the end of the day, it'll still be them that are there for you.

That you should be yourself. No matter what others think about you. What's important is that you're happy, if the next person doesn't like you because of it.. well up theirs. You are your own person. No one should make you change because they want you to, you should not change or hide your true self because of fear you will not be accepted. Because if they do not accept you then their not friends. There are those that will know you and accept you, you just have to realize who it is around you.

I still believe that every person has good in them. It is their choice which side of themselves to follow and show.

That I am myself, I am true. And from now on I will continue to surprise myself and my friends of what I am capable of doing.


New Year Resolutions:
1. Take better care of my pets (I'm a bad pet momma)
2. Take better care of my Miyake (car)
3. Lose weight, if I can change my whole persona, I sure hell can change how I look!
4. Arrange and design my room the way I've always wanted
5. Get a job that will pay a hell lot more or get promoted (to prove a point), whatever comes first
6. "See the End in Mind."
7. Take better care of my skin
8. "Get what I want", and if needed, work to get it
9. Sleep more
10. Party more!

True

I am more myself then I've ever been. I now don't care what others think about me, all I care about is that as long as I'm not hurting anyone in the process, what I'm doing, is just fine. I now smile more, laugh more, talk more. This is the most free I've ever let myself to be. I'm doing what I want to do, getting what I want. I was raised to put my wants last and others first, but I've learned that I deserve not only what I need, but what I want. Now, I'm surprising myself. And I love it. Yes, I still have to keep my myself in check, I didn't used to allow my emotions to run me, now that I do, I am happier, I just have to be careful, since my emotions good or otherwise can run pretty high. But besides that I'm happy I don't care anymore what other's think and how others react. I'm now my true me. I'm learning to get what I want, the challenge is fun, and the results are surprising. I didn't know I had it in me. I still have so much to do... But looking forward to it.

Last entry on the subject

This is my last entry about the subject. I've decided to move on. I've decided to forget it, try and live without going back. It's good I have no whatifs, that I made it a point not to have any. I'm not looking back anymore. Understanding that, that this is the end of that chapter. That it's time to start a new chapter. One were I have total control yet will allow myself to let go, to live, to taste life. I thought before I was living life, it was only half of it. I can taste life now. Out of this I have found new friends, new people that I believe I will soon call family. I have learned to truly believe and love myself. I know how much I am worth, not a lot of people can say that. I see it. Let life see it in me, let those around me see me as pure sunshine. The Lord is good and knows where he's taking me.

True

You have hurt me, yet you have changed me. I am stronger because of it. I know now who you are. You look at me, wondering how I can be okay, it's because I know better. I know that no one will love you as true as I did. That like you said, there is someone better then you. You may have just lost a true great thing, someone you can count on, someone true. You surround yourself with people you think care for you. But I know the truth. No one will be as loving and honest as I was to you. You see that now and may possibly have thoughts of whatifs. It is your fault it ended the way it did. It could of ended in a better light... Maybe someday we'll be okay, that I... who knows, will be there for you again. But you will always remember what you did, and I hope that it will affect you greatly that you change your life. And maybe if you have a conscience, that it will haunt you every single day. No matter how much you hurt me, you didn't destroy me. I'm so much better without you. But you will have to live, seeing me everyday, knowing that I was the one that helped and was there for you in your greatest time of need, if all of that was even true... I was nothing but kind to you.. And in return, you hurt me. But I can go on, because I never was dishonest, I was always true to myself and to you. I can look you in the eye and everyone with you because I know the truth and I know that I was the only person that was true and good. I love it that I can look you in the eye and not hold a evil thought or feel anger for you. It is because, this is me, I forgive, because I know it would be poison for my soul, to hold such contempt and anger for anyone. But I have learned that I cannot be so nice, I cannot be so kind, I must watch those around, not trust immediately, you have woken the bitch in me, the bitch that will not stand you or anyone hurting me anymore. I still somehow believe that somewhere, in there, in you... That you can be a good person. Though right now, I have my agenda, yes, but those part of it will get what they deserve and you will be right again.

Makings of a diet...

I've been having the strange diet of mocha fraps.. I'd have dinner, go to work (I'm working the nightshift right now), have nothing to eat, and having a frap after work. Just the other day it was dinner, frap, go to work (have nothing to eat at work), then another frap. I don't usually eat when I get home, I sleep and the same thing all over again when I wake up. Why? Well, lately I haven't had enough money. I'm chosing good 'ol starbacks over real food. I'm addicted to frap. I think that's the only addiction I have. I don't smoke, only drink on occasions. So what's the real harm? My clothes are getting loose.. Ain't that good thing..? I love food, why wouldn't I? I love to cook. So if it's good, I'll eat. Lately I just want stuff that make me happy, and lately it's been fraps. My comfort food you may say.

It doesn't help I'm loving one specific Starbucks place, well one whole place. I'm always there after work, it's a 15 to 30 minute drive from work, unfortunately it's the opposite direction of going home. Maybe I love it so much because it has sentimental meaning to me. I'm there day, night. If I could I would stay there in the wee hours of the night I would.

I'm falling for someone who may break my heart. It was a mind and heart decision to get into this, knowingly that I just may get hurt. I've fallen, feet off the ground without holding on. I'm scared yet calm and feeling wise at the same time. Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you. Things you never thought would happen in a million years, happen. You stand back and wonder how the hell it happened and no matter how hard you try you can't explain it or know why, it just happens. The Lord was kind in making me wait, now that I'm wise, stronger and older. I would of lost myself if it happened earlier. I know who I am now, to not forget about "me".

Life and love is about letting go, giving it your all. To live and experience it fully, no side railings, no holding on..

Cuban-Style Burger with Cayenne Fries.

Cuban-Style Burger with Cayenne Fries.
Burgers done by myself and with a little help Cayenne fries done by Jamie. Cooking helped me get my mind off of things for a while. I had fun, loved the outcome.. Yummy.. :)